The Bricker Prize

Insomnia has never been a problem for me. At the appointed time I can sink my head into a soufflé like pillow whilst Morpheus pulls down the shutters and I drift into the land of nod. This enviable habit shuddered to a halt last Tuesday. Coupled with the unusually high temperatures I lay in bed thinking about an article I read in the newspaper. The writer seemed to imply that he knew how many bricks had been used in the construction of Norwich. I know it’s not a question on the lips of the general populace but I was really curious.

I don’t have any great affinity for Norwich or its inhabitants but the thought of men in grey suits shuffling up and down the high street with clip board counting bricks was worthy of further investigation. I lay awake all night with beads of perspiration forming on my forehead as I tried to figure out how such a gargantuan task could be accomplished. For those used to counting sheep in order to get some shut-eye I can confirm counting bricks is a poor substitute. Worse still — I now desperately needed to know how many bricks there were in Norwich.

After reading the article more carefully I realised the writer had no better idea of how many bricks there were in Norwich than me. I spent all day on Google, yawning my head off, looking for more information. I discovered a plethora of information about bricks that I would have preferred not to know. Even so, I discovered there is mor-tar bricks than I ever imagined. I was disappointed with Google’s response to my question. ‘How many bricks in Norwich ?’ It’s a straightforward question surely. But Google was waffling like David Cameron at the despatch box and gave me 56 pages of guff. Much of it not remotely connected to bricks. I had bricks on the brain. I began dreaming about bricks! For heaven’s sake bricks started to take over my life. ‘If you want to know anything about bricks-I’m your man.’I’m now a self appointed Professor of brickology.

Counting bricks is not as rare as you might imagine. A man from New Delhi with time on his hands counted the bricks in St.Martins Garrison Church. The total came to a massive three million five hundred thousand and forty three bricks. I like the inclusion of the last three bricks it gives the article a last gasp credibility.

Some of the oldest bricks still in existence, reputedly over 10,000 years old can be found in Palestine. Palestine was thought to be an excellent place for making bricks due to the rich source of natural material and the ideal climate for the curing process. However, brick counting in that part of the world could be hazardous.

Handmade bricks are still sold today often to match existing structures damaged by earthquakes, storms and bomb damage. Charity bricks were sold in the Umbrian region in Italy to repair the Basilica of St. Francis badly damaged in an earthquake. A special fund was set up called ‘A brick for Assisi.’ Agents were selling the bricks for $5 with the donor’s name and address engraved on the face. Sadly the earthquake has struck again in the region with even more destructive results. Charity bricks were also used to help reconstruct Croatia after similar devastation. Bricks were sold to renovate Westminster Abbey which suffered bomb damage during the last war.

Charity bricks have become a booming business. You can purchase bricks for developing countries to help build schools and living accommodation. They might put your name on it or give you a certificate of confirmation. A small town in the States is selling engraved bricks for the town hall at $100 a throw…ouch!

One smart entrepreneur spent time counting the bricks in John Lennon’s old house in Liverpool after it was demolished, and then sold them as memorabilia bricks.

The Celtic football club were also selling memorabilia bricks. Another football club in the north of England on the verge of bankruptcy were busy selling bricks and the seats for ten pounds each. More clubs will surely follow this path if the present crazy transfer figures continue.

Then there are revenge bricks used to make important statements. Like the disgruntled builder denied an overdraft facility. He bricked up the entrance to his local bank. A conscript soldier sent his drill instructor half a brick in the post with a curt message ’my compliments, other half to follow shortly.’ The sergeant spent a week in hospital.

In a lighter vein the article made a brief mention of the late Anita Roddick of body shop fame going to some sort of brick counting ceremony in the Himalayas. She witnessed a local tribesman balancing six bricks, I repeat-six bricks, upon his penis. Like me, you are surely wondering why would he do that?  Was it a hod carrier’s convention? Some new keep fit regime? A circus act? Or a local tribesman trying to impress the ladies. The writer left us guessing. What sort of brick did he use? There is a deal of difference between a bog standard indigenous cream and a bull nosed engineering brick with its extra 30% density. We don’t know. But, what we do know this tribesman has raised his manhood well beyond the call of duty. He epitomises Anita’s long held belief and the well known quote attributed to her.
“If you do things well, do them even better”

Surely our tribesman wouldn’t have been just standing around starker’s on his own, staring out at the blue yon. He would have needed some outside influence to keep him up to the mark. Maybe a brace of nubile maidens dancing to “Rimsky-Korsakoff’s the flight of the bumblebee”  Or maybe a dusky maiden massaging his scrotum with a dollop of Anita’s special viagra lotion. I confess to being a little sceptical about this story and decided to check out one or two facts. I weighed one brick on our kitchen scales then multiplied by six. You might like to do this yourself at home but suggest you do it sitting down. The result will leave you open mouthed with disbelief.

How could it be possible for a man to support such an awesome lump on his whatnot? It was inconceivable. He should be made a professor of something. Never mind the Gardens of Babylon or the other six wonders of the world they pale into insignificance against this bloke. What an icon! His genitals should be commandeered and left to science. Better still, sent to a taxidermist for stuffing and put on display with bricks at the Guggenheim Museum.

I decided to adopt a more scientific approach to establish the viability of such a claim.I’ve never shirked the obligation to promote science when given the opportunity.
I retrieved my Grandsons dust covered Lego set from the attic. My wife wanted no part in the proceedings. With her recent hip replacement , it’s doubtful whether she could tick the right boxes anyway. I settled on an erotic picture book from the library as a substitute to create the right ambience. I proceeded with great caution. Whilst positioning the second brick the phone rang, soon after someone was knocking at the front door. After settling down again I was gingerly placing the fourth brick when I had the sense somebody else was in the room. I turned to see the cat sitting wide-eyed and wary watching me. You really don’t need all these distractions when you are focused on a serious scientific experiment. There were other problems but I don’t think it would be appropriate to mention them here. The experiment wasn’t conclusive and I had no option but to abandon the project and put the Lego set up for sale on Ebay.

The male sex organs are on the wane and destined for the defunct tail and tonsils trolley, thanks to Dolly the sheep and advancing test tube technology. We are rapidly approaching a downsizing of the male contribution in the field of procreation by adopting the fickle umming and erring clownfish strategy who can change sex at will. Since the woman generally passes on the KLF14 (fat gene) to her offspring (thanks mum)we might expect an imbalance of the sexes with the likely-hood  of some new and very large Amazonian women in the future. This would entail a continuing burden to the NHS with the rise of Diabetese 2. Maybe the cost of the NHS should be distributed to reflect this and women should pay a much larger share.

At a time when you cannot be certain if you’re talking to a bloke, a lady or something in between. This tribesman’s bit of kit would be testimony to future generations of the dedication and unstinting efforts of ordinary men from the past who laboured long and hard to promote and protect the continuation of homo sapien. In my book this tribesman is a worthy winner of the Bricker Prize.

I still don’t know how many bricks there are in Norwich.