Written by Gordon Aspey
11 January 2020
Everybody farts, an inescapable truth! With the festive season drawing to a close and the consumption of vast quantities of mince pies and Christmas pud we will surely be more proactive. I don’t understand why people are so sniffy about this natural biological event. Even that bloke Chaucer way back in the 15th century regarded farting as normality.
As one progresses through life this bodily function becomes a little more erratic. As most pensioners will readily testify it is more difficult to release in a controlled manner.
My wife, the embodiment of good manners and etiquette; her functions were incredibly discrete like a distant fairy playing the flute. Now in her early nineties control has gone out of the window and she discharges with feckless abandon and now sounds like a drunkard strumming a banjo. I have always been a bit more carefree, with a better out than in attitude. Sometimes they are like thunder claps but more usually like the drawn out sombre tones of a trombone. In fact, I reckon the two of us could form a good instrumental duet.
I recall my conscript years in the RAF a bloke in our billet appeared to have almost total control in such matters. He would put one foot on a chair and firmly clasping his knee cap play a passable verse of the National Anthem. We could only marvel at his rubbery faced contortions as he performed this amazing party piece. Although on his last act the music score went astray and he hobbled out to the toilet holding his rear end.(always a risk).
The experts tell us cows are responsible for a lot of the global warming problem due to their constant farting. It seems to me with the dramatic increase in people living longer and the population hurtling towards the 10 billion mark we could unwittingly be exacerbating the problem. It is thought pills can contribute towards the problem, particularly Statins.
Of course diet plays an important role when it comes to these emissions. I can recall a period when we were being advised by government ‘Go to work on an egg’ you can draw your own conclusions with that. If the RAF conscript continued to hone his skill set he’s probably on Statins, he could get a top spot in the Royal Command Variety Show and complete the National Anthem. Talking of Royals I bet Henry VIII with his reputation for gluttony could outperform most people. His wives were probably much relieved to lose their heads.
The Victorians used to carry oranges to alleviate bad aromas; the modern world spends billions of pounds trying to counteract the perfectly natural smells associated with the human body. A short blast of fresh air could perform the same function for nothing. No doubt in the future we’ll get some vociferous bunch of political nuts who will try to outlaw farting in public places and make it a criminal offence like smoking.
The human plumbing system has been developed and perfected over hundreds of thousands of years and any attempt to restrict its emissions would surely be farcical.
But it would be no surprise if in the future the act of breaking wind in public places will be breaking the law.