Written by Gordon Aspey
22 October 2017
There are many basic tasks I have been doing for decades which have become more difficult to do. Take for example pulling on one’s underpants. This entails placing each leg into the rounded holes in a garment specially designed for the purpose.
The procedure is to stand on one leg then plunge your other leg through one of the holes and repeat the task with the second leg. The main requirement is to ensure the pants are facing the right direction and each leg finishes in the correct hole.
The difficulty arises with the two pivotal points where you are briefly balancing on one leg like a ballerina preparing for a grand finale. As I recently discovered when crashing into the open wardrobe amongst clattering coat-hangers, garments, and footwear.
‘Oh dear, are you alright? ’ cried Babs my octogenarian wife- ‘what on earth are you doing in the wardrobe?’
‘I lost my balance ‘I groaned.
‘Well, it’s silly doing the Okey Cokey every time you pull your pants on, why don’t you sit on the bed it would be so much easier ‘she said.
There is now a realisation that things achievable in ones seventies become more difficult in your eighties. Maybe it’s a macho thing ingrained in our upbringing. We ignore sensible solutions in order to prove our manhood. ‘Men do it standing up type of thing.’
Of course the Scots cracked this problem centuries ago, probably helped by an over indulgence of the malt whisky the night before. A couple of swigs of that stuff would make standing on one leg an awkward task anytime.
According to history they jettisoned the under pants altogether and took to wearing a skirt or a kilt as they call it to go into battle. C’mon-surely not- can you imagine the big chief addressing his battle hardened, muscle bound warriors ‘Now look here lads yee’ll be teking off your underpants, we have a wee battle ahead.’
‘Huh!’
I mean what about all those thistles? President Trump would probably call it fake history. Although there are benefits in adopting the no underpants strategy e.g.; a reduction of the laundry bill, saving water to produce even more amber liquid and helping the environment. There is also the benefit of being able to sit down on the toilet to have a pee a much more hygienic approach. The ability to flip up your skirt and get instant relief without the hassle of fumbling with zips belts and braces. The average pensioner has done his stuff for posterity labouring long and hard to produce offspring and he will be lacking the vibrant energy to participate in this sort of activity. His endeavours will be more akin to a lack lustre lawn sprinkler.
You only have to witness the puddles in public urinals to realise the lack of control and hygiene. When you are young you can delay the visit to the toilet ‘nah I’ll go after dinner’ but the bladder eventually discourages any procrastination and demands instant attention. My wife is like an Olympic sprinter when the call of nature beckons.
Maybe Pensioners could be encouraged to wear skirts like the Scots, after all, if it’s okay for school boys to wear a skirt – why not pensioners? I preclude myself from this action-well-it’s just not me.
Come to think of it there are a whole lot of other task I could do sitting down like tying my shoe laces, cutting my toe-nails, shaving, gardening and even sex -err- no hang on a minute I think I’ll skirt round that topic, my memory isn’t that good. The majority of Octogenarians’ don’t do that sort of stuff anymore. Although Charlie Chaplin was doing it in his nineties! But he wouldn’t have been standing up.
Incidentally if you are in your eighties and still err… doing it, I applaud your stamina and hope it’s not just a clock watching experience for your partner. Although I would respectfully suggest you try and get out more and take up a hobby.