September the 18th Victor would be getting married to Samantha his long time partner. The plans were in a very advanced stage when the company dealing with the catering went bust.
‘No problem’ said Samantha, we’ll sort something out and I will phone the guests with the alternative arrangements. Three days later their landlord got divorced and had nowhere to live. He wanted his house back pronto.Panic stations and a lot more phone calls. We were informed regardless of what else went wrong the wedding day would go ahead.
My wife had her own problems regarding dress. I heard the familiar outcry,
‘I’ve got nothing to wear!’ Her wardrobe is bursting with clobber amassed in our 65 years of marriage. Yet one is left with the impression she is running around with no knickers, which is of course untrue. After a lot of stuff going back and forth on the internet with the attendant problems of getting refunds she discovered an outfit only worn once 25 years ago that still looked fashionable. ‘I’ll need a hat,’ she said.
I don’t understand why women spend a chunk of money having a special hairdo and then bury it with a bunch of Ostrich bum feathers. It was at this point when I remembered my cap.
‘I’ve got a great idea ‘ I said ‘Why don’t you use my 80 quid cap,just stick a couple of carnations with a sprig of parsley, a generous squirt of Lily of the Valley perfume.I think it would look stunning. You could start a new trend,His and Her headgear.’After all, these days you don’t know who’s what and what’s who.
I didn’t make any headway with that proposition and I was on the end of some rather sharp suggestions as to what I could do with my cap.
I was astonished to discover there was once a law stipulating that men should wear caps from the age of five. I kid you not. In 1571, Parliament passed a law forcing all non-nobles to wear a wool cap on Sundays and holidays. Lawbreakers faced a 3-farthing fine. ‘Even I could manage that!.’You might wonder why such a law was necessary. perhaps to protect people from some sort of brain munching parasite as recently discovered in Australia.In France it was illegal for women to wear trousers ? goodness knows what sort of munching was involved there.When you discover some of the crazy laws passed in following years you might think the brain munchers have been active for a very long time. Apparently the real reason for the new cap law was to prop up the flagging wool industry.’What a cheek?’
I think it is incredible how the law meddles with people’s everyday lives and yet is so inept when dealing with criminals. Politicians have always used the law as a manipulative tool to achieve often questionable goals.They have always been fearful of a French style revolution and used the law to make it extremely difficult.The English are bureaucraticly cowed by the burden of excessive law.It is no accident politicians choose this lucrative route into politics.There are a lot of snouts in the treasury trough. Free Speech is in line for the guillotine. No doubt in the future they will find some way of neutralizing the brain at birth. They won’t need referendums and elections,they will have total control.There won’t be much need for lawmakers either. Although TV does a pretty good job of brainwashing the general public at present.
Getting swiftly back to our son’s wedding. I was having one or two problems with my own attire. My bow tie didn’t match my jacket. We toured Chichester to find one without success.Eventually our cleaner who is very knowledgeable about everything in these parts volunteered to get on the case. She turned up trumps with the only bow tie available in Chichester from Moss Bros who said it was the last one. Even though it matched my jacket perfectly it didn’t blend very well with my trousers but we were very grateful to her and time was not on our side,the trousers would have to do. I haven’t worn a bow tie for a very long time but memories soon came flooding back. I was one short step from applying a dab of evo-stik but some kind ladies in the community centre took it in turn and finally fixed the problem.
The wedding ceremony and the catering unexpectedly worked like a dream without a hitch. The couple looked splendid and totally relaxed. Victor who has spent much of his working life in the Marine Industry teaching sailing and generally bobbing about on lumpy water with some hairy boat deliveries all over the world has now settled in calmer waters. We witnessed him dropping anchor in the idyllic Bay of Samantha and
I wonder if I could get them to take up my brilliant idea ‘The Jack and Jill Headgear ?’
Nar-nar-perhaps not, It might be illegal.!