Written by Gordon Aspey
28 April 2021
I have become accustomed to sitting on my back-side and doing nothing for the last 25 years. It is an enjoyable state where you can switch off your brain and let all the thoughts in your head swill down the kitchen sink, so to speak. You can become statue like, where family can mistake you for a gargoyle and wander past unaware it is you. Yet, there is no finer solution for refreshing the soul.
There are those born to run hither and thither, huffing, puffing and perspiring, lifting heavy weights and other extreme physical activities to achieve their objective. That’s not for me. Just because we have arms and legs it doesn’t mean we should abuse them. If more people spent time sitting cross legged we wouldn’t have the overpopulation problem.
I’ll put aside the orifice, and its less attractive functions. Also the inappropriate usage by some people to broadcast their own half baked ideologies.
I have now perfected this sitting technique. The human backside is perfectly designed for the purpose. It takes up a good chunk of the body mass. The buttocks protect the lower regions of the body incorporating a perfect cushion for the sitting position. Some people are better endowed than others. I am sure the supreme design and practicality of the buttocks will never be bettered.
There is much to consider to get the full benefit of a good sit down. You need the right temperature, the right back support, adequate space for arms and legs to spread and sprawl, additional cushions and most important the general ambience of your chosen spot. If you get everything right, you will likely drift into a wonderfully pleasant deep slumber. You will then awake feeling refreshed, fit and happy for anything. If sitting ever became a serious Olympic event I‘d be up there jostling for top spot.
Everything was going well until Covid and lockdown arrived on the scene. It’s one thing having a peaceful drawn out sit down but confined to the parameters of your own sitting room is a bit much. Then there were all the phone calls and letters identifying me as clinically vulnerable and warning me to be careful in everything I do. Strangely, I’ve never felt better.
I found all this inactivity most unsettling. Much of the pleasure in sitting around is watching other people working their nuts off. But nobody was working, it became so boring. I decided to do something…anything. To ensure my statuesque pose wasn’t interpreted as being in need of resuscitation or beyond the ventilator support system, with all that entails.
My mind wandered back to a day in late December 1948. I was nearly 15 years old and about to leave school and start my first job. There appeared to be confusion as to what my job would be. One master told me I would be working for a hydro electric company in Tonbridge, Kent. Whilst another master on the same day, told me I would be working as an apprentice sign writer. Confusion has always been a prominent feature in my life. I’ll skip the details which are a tad complicated for this short article. Suffice it to say I landed in the sign writer camp.
One of the first skills I learnt was glass gilding. I found this work most relaxing and enjoyable. This, I thought, is something I could do, if I still had the skill.
Here is a video showing me demonstrating the ancient art of glass gilding. The beauty is I can still do this sitting on my bum. Come to think of it I’ve spent most of my life in a sitting position. My boss called me the laziest sign writer in the world. He reckoned if the job was fifty feet up a ladder I’d find a way of sitting down to do it. I was never tested on that point. Of course, he’s long gone – but if there are any pubs in heaven, that’s where he’ll be.
I‘ve concentrated on house and boat plaques and have to admit I got carried away, even to the point of creating an online shop. What am I doing? But Babs is really keen for me to exploit this skill without any delay. Her wish being to savour the lavish lifestyle I promised her over 60 years ago. If you are sympathetic to her cause please hurry and place your order now. She will be eternally grateful and will toast your life-long health and happiness, and perhaps even do a couple of laps around the wheelie bins in your honour – well she’s getting on a bit you know. I’ll be dead chuffed too, but sitting down, of course.
You can see my work here and place your order on the Shop page.
The signs are bespoke, eco friendly, no plastic or stick on letters. I use only genuine English 23ct burnished gold leaf.
Satisfaction guaranteed. Delivery 10-20 day’s approx.
Mainland UK only.
Also included; a special freebie with every order. A paperback of my book ‘Walking on the Brightside’