Written by Gordon Aspey
21 July 2020
Kaz gave me a right rollicking.
‘How could you be so dumb dad? I’m really cross with you. You’ve ruined the whole surprise thing. Now mum knows about the Chateau she’s getting involved and trying to organize the menu she’s upsetting the Chateau management. How could you do that?’
‘It was an accident Kas. I was just filing my denture with your mother’s nail file and I said how much I was looking forward to the Chateau banquet. It just slipped out; I could have bitten my tongue off.’
Kaz still delivered a big surprise. She arranged for us to meet up with her in town for coffee with some friends. As we sat at the table a waiter inquired whether we were ready to order. I thought the voice sounded strange and not very French I turned to see the grinning face of Robin our youngest son from Beijing.
We got up early for the big day at the Chateau and as I sat sipping my coffee outside the kitchen door something drew my attention towards the vegetable plot. I hadn’t taken much interest in this area which I didn’t regard as part of our remit. Somehow it looked different and I walked over to investigate. There were holes in the ground and the earth had been churned up as though it had been subjected to stampeding Wilder beast.
‘Babs come and look at this, what the hell has happened here – what a mess.’
I went to pick the only beef tomato still standing. A slug had devoured the whole of the inside, just leaving the skin.
‘Yesterday I saw 2 slugs eating the cat food and it was during the afternoon. I thought they were nocturnal feeders but they must have been very hungry’, said Babs.
‘Yeah – well the slug that ate that tomato must be really blown out, that’s one hell of a meal – he’s probably big enough to pull a plough. You wouldn’t want him sightseeing on your allotment, but slugs surely couldn’t create this mess.’
‘I don’t think the owners are going to be impressed to find their veg patch looking like this when they return, I think we really ought to do something’ said Babs.
‘What do you expect me to do? I’m not a bloody landscaper.’
Kas fell about laughing over the mangled veg plot. ‘We have had the same experience. You have been honored with a visit from a local wild pig family. They are a bit short on table manners and toilet etiquette but they will finish up on somebody’s dinner table soon enough. What’s this I hear about you dad, busting the Chinese Ming vase.’
‘That was your mother – she told the owner I did it! Can you believe that?’
Babs laughed, ‘Yeah I did feel a bit guilty about that but the owner didn’t seem bothered, she said we did her a favor, she never liked it.’
‘That’s strange, said Kas I remember that vase, she paid a lot of money for that, she bought it last year in Bond Street. She was crowing about it half the evening when we went over there for dinner only a couple of months ago. You did keep the pieces? They might be able to repair it’
‘Oh no! That’s awful; I binned them said Babs why would she say she hated it?
‘She’s a very kind lady, probably didn’t want to upset you, anyway money is not a problem for them.’
‘Yeah, don’t you worry Babs it was me who busted the vase remember? And I won’t be losing sleep over it. I can’t imagine why people pay such huge sums for old junk. I mean what can you do with a vase? you can put flowers in it or have a piddle – a jam jar has the same attributes and cost nothing. We are the genuine antiques of this world, we are fountains of wisdom and knowledge and grossly undervalued. We are much more useful than a bleeding flower pot and it would need something more than a fly swat to put us down. You relax Babs and enjoy your Chateau dinner.’
Everything went like clockwork and she soon forgot about the vase and wanted to become eighty on a regular basis. The grand children were a joy and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Soon afterwards we were astonished to hear the couple who ran the Chateau had been carted off to prison. We had no idea of their wrong doing but the God of Mayhem had certainly been very active in this area.