Written by Gordon Aspey
20 May 2020
‘Right-I’ve had enough!’ said Babs. There’s no broadband, the hot water has packed up again. The plumber rang to say his grandmother has been rushed to hospital but he’ll sort the problem next week and there is a wasp nest in the chimney.’
Ring-Ring-Ring!
Owner: ‘ Hello! Oh it’s you Babs! How are you getting on dear, any problems?’
Babs: ‘Good Lord no! Everything is fine. Err- there is just one small thing we’ve got some big waspy things up the chimney, How do we get rid of them?
Me: whispering, ‘Tell her the cat’s broken her Chinese vas……’
Babs: ‘Shhhh!’
Owner: ‘You mean Guêpe’ees’ your bound to get a few of those. You’re right out in the country dear.’
Babs: ‘Yes-yes Gwoopees, I understand. But how are we going to get rid of them?’
Owner: ‘just light the fire and stand by with that big canister spray, it’s under the sink in the kitchen. You might as well give the whole place a good squirt while you’re at it. Okay! Is there anything else?’
Babs: ‘ No! Everything is just fine except the hot water – but the plumber is coming next week, his granny was rushed to hospital.
Owner: Hmm – I seem to recall his granny died twice last year!
Babs: Oh yes one other thing… I’m afraid Gordon accidentally broke that nice Chinese vase in the hall swatting one of those Gwoopees.’
Owner: ‘Oh! Don’t worry about that dear – my husband bought that in a junk shop years ago I never liked it, we’re well rid of it.’
Me: ‘That is shameful, I can’t believe you said that, blaming me‘.
‘Yes-I’m sorry about that, it was a bit mean, but did you see how the cat was staring at me.’
The spray didn’t have the desired effect and the wasps gathered in numbers as if there was a wasp convention in progress. The whole place wafted of lavender. Babs studied the label on the can and giggled – you fool this is air freshener. Misinformation is a constant problem in these parts.
The wasp showed exemplary intelligence when smoked out of the kitchen chimney they switched to the living room chimney. The battle of wits continued. We were nearly smoked out of the house and the daytime temperatures were in the thirties. ‘Ah there you are!’ said Babs, sticking a fly swatter into my hand.
‘Those pesky things are now in the bedroom, can you go and sort them out?’
‘Are you kidding, – what d’yer think I am, Batman or something?’
‘Oh c’mon, what’s happened to that dashing daredevil I married all those years ago.’ you’d have been bounding up the stairs like Errol Flynn twirling this zapper and demolishing them left right and centre.’
‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened to Mr. Errol Flynn – he died. I’m still here, I have more common sense. Those things are dangerous for Christ sake– they could disembowel a man. Besides you wouldn’t want me to smash anymore Chinese vases, would you? Prap’s we could move into one of the guest apartments’.
Babs sighed.
‘No-no that’s no good they’re covered in dustsheets, and we’d have to air the beds–besides I wouldn’t want to upset the cleaner. ‘
We discovered two canisters of the killer spray in one of the guest apartments and used one of them to jet spray through the keyhole of the bedroom.
With the help of a couple of bottles of something stronger in the wine cellar we plucked up enough courage to stagger into the bedroom and finish them off. We had hardly slithered into bed when the buzzing came back. I discovered them squeezing through two small holes in the brickwork.
‘Are there any Hotels round here? said Babs. I’m getting really fed up with these blasted things.’
‘Nope! But what about if we sleep in that wardrobe we could lay it flat with the doors open and cover it with a bed sheet, turn it into a sort of Futon like they do in Japan. We’d be all right in there I reckon.’
Babs looked at the ceiling and rolled her eyes.
I spent half the night blocking the holes in the sweltering heat and gave the place a final blast with the remaining killer spray and we eventually coughed ourselves to sleep.
It took four days to get rid of them.