Written by Gordon Aspey
5 December 2018
The awkward name problem started with the ITV news reader Reginald Bosanquet in the 1970’s. I remember thinking, what sort of name is that? The nickname given by his colleagues ‘Reginald Beaujolais’ was no better (he enjoyed a drink) but beer was still the national beverage at the time. Since his demise awkward names have become more commonplace and wine has become more popular, helped no doubt by the increase in foreign travel and closer ties with Europe.
The awkward name industry has blossomed more so in the sports arena especially football. It’s no accident the TV companies employ dedicated sports commentators. Your bog standard news reader would be hard pressed to read out the team sheet of the average Premier League football team. One can only imagine the glazed look, dislodged dentures and the ( ‘get me outa here’ ) look.
The footballer with the record for the most awkward over stretched name is Mohamed Lamine Zemmamouche he used to play in goal for Cardiff. They like long names in Wales. This is alphabet abuse; what were his parents thinking? Can you imagine his first day at school ‘So what’s your name sonny?’
‘Huh-do ww-what!’.
The Greeks seem to have a preference for long names with a good sprinkling of x’s and z’ds. Is it any wonder the country nearly went bankrupt they spend too much time frigging about with unpronounceable long names and not enough time on their tax returns.
There ought to be more control against such long names. Imagine the stress on immigration officials, police, football managers and even members of the general public trying to figure out whether they are from another planet. I reckon people with a name longer than seven digits should be taxed or penalised in some way. Maybe a special licence- a bit like a dog licence to help pay for the err-umm time wasting and stress levels. They could help to finance the overstretched NHS.
If you take the tragic late owner of Leicester football club his name Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha, now he could certainly have afforded a bit of extra cash. The News readers probably needed rehearsal time for that name. Although his son no doubt aware of the awkwardness prefers to be called TOP.
The man in the street can bypass these awkward name problems with the time honoured replacements usually reserved for seniors like me with a dodgy memory. Names like ‘Thingmebob—Whatsername—Wojermacallit – howsyerfather,etc. Well of course the News Reader can’t go down that road.
So imagine my astonishment when discovering the name of FRED on Manchester United’s team sheet. ‘No! not his Christian name. It’s his surname!’ Now I associate this name with a sort of flat capped plumbers mate type of individual. As it turns out FRED cost the club Forty Seven million pounds. It’s not his real name, but you would think someone costing that much would have a more highfaluting name. He comes from Brazil and I won’t burden you with his real name.
Now I don’t have any great affinity for Man United, in fact, I could gleefully down a bottle of Bubbly to celebrate their relegation to the Championship if it were possible. Of course Fred is there to make sure it doesn’t happen. I don’t know if the management had any input or whether Fred went solo with the name change, but I think it is a really commendable idea and I have a mild respect for the forward thinking strategy.
Maybe it’s a reaction to Brexit and there is a move to return to our English Heritage. Perhaps Fred will be joined with other home grown names like Bert-Joe-Harry-Bobby etc. It would make life a lot easier for managers, referees, commentators and other members of the team. Is it any wonder football managers keep getting fired for poor results? Not only do they have the awkward name problem encroaching on training schedules, half of them can’t speak English. Can you imagine the frenetic dialogue.
‘Oye you, how you say err, with de fancy haircut, Wojermacallit for Christ sake, pass de bloody ball.’