Written by Gordon Aspey
14 February 2018
I woke up this morning and discovered ‘I was dead!’
with some bloke pulling a bed sheet over my head
it was such a shock and considerably premature
I’ve so much to give, the world will miss me for sure
It’s terribly inconvenient – with so much to do
potting the pinks, pruning and unblocking the loo
I’ll miss the breakfast of bacon and egg
and the evening meal of meat and two veg.
I was wondering what on earth caused me to die
then I remembered that’ steak and kidney pie’
I bought it in the market place at greatly reduced rate
with a half price sticker covering the sell by date
still the kids will be alright I did make out a will
not sure where I hid it or that outlandish tax bill
I was twiddling my thumbs wondering what happens next
when down swooped an angel looking ever so stressed
clasping a clip board and golden parker pen
she demanded- where the hell have you been then?
it seems, I was more than twenty four hours overdue
she had no option but to put me at back of the queue
according to the divine records I was a borderline case
and on the point of being sent down to the other place
apparently I told far too many porkies in my early youth
and piddling in phone box considered dreadfully uncouth
Relaxing the rules had created a dangerous state
with rumours of terrorist storming the golden gate
they let in anybody sighed the angel in total despair
They even trashed Gabriels new mobility chair
he tried to reason but they didn’t want to know
with one thing on their minds they told him so
for Christ sake he said there are no virgins here
nor sex and the other stuff- life is very austere
angels are complaining they can’t cope with demand
it’s now a heavenly crisis and getting out of hand
we need more staff to get things under control
maybe outside agencies to get us out of this hole
a strange voice whispered in my ear
that’s all bollocks mate! there’s nothing going on
all this heaven and hell stuff, it’s just one big con
It’s all about retaining power and control.
radicalising gullible minds that’s the real goal
self righteous zealots imposing twisted views
wishful thinking, rhetoric, fear and fake news
whether your good-bad-short-tall-rich or poor
there’s only one exit then you are no more
all things on earth including body and soul
are destined for the heavenly black hole
as the whisperer says when you die
“that’s it mate! Your final Good Bye”
Now things are not always as they seem
The more so when having a nightmare dream
but I have been feeling so much better of late
I now avoid eating pies without a sell by date